There is an old African tale about a village that took great pride in their garden as a sustaining source of food and beauty for all the villagers. The problem showed up one day when a new neighbor moved in close by, an elephant. Every day, this elephant would trample through the garden on its way to get water from the nearby pond. And every day, the villagers would repair the damage as best they could and put large rocks and obstacles in the pathway of the elephant. But this was no deterrent for the elephant, and with every new obstacle, the elephant would simply push through the barricade and destroy their garden on his way to the watering hole.

Then one day, the villagers decided to stop trying to fight this elephant's natural tendencies but rather to embrace it, and so together they moved their plants and flowers to either side of the pathway the elephant had made. In doing so, they not only had their beautiful garden in place, but they created a harmonious solution for their neighboring elephant. As the garden flourished once more, the villagers learned to appreciate the elephant’s presence as it brought valuable and new nutrients to the soil with each passing day.

Personally, I relate to this elephant's tendencies. Rather, what I'm really saying is, my tendencies often feel like this elephant in the room of my life. I know the elephant exists, everyone in my life knows the elephant exists, but somehow I just let that elephant control the reality of my life. One of those elephants (or tendencies) in my life is that as someone who is a connector, I struggle when others criticize (or even constructively critique) my work. I want people to like me, and when my work is not pleasing to them, it can feel quite personal. For the better part of my 30s, this was an area of my life that I put a lot of attention and intention into changing.

But for many, the tendencies of their life show up like that elephant on its way to the watering hole. No matter how much we prepare to change that tendency, no matter what blockades, fences, or walls we put around the gardens of our life, that tendency eventually shows up again to trample through any progress we've made in producing the fruits of our life. Many of us have never stopped to consider how to embrace those tendencies within ourselves and to set up our life in such a way where those tendencies can shine.

What if there was a way for you to begin trusting yourself and owning your tendencies as a means of unlocking your greatest life? Today, my hope is that you can begin to lean into the idea that to know yourself and to love yourself, is the only way to lead yourself into the life you desire.

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.
Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” — Carl Jung

Navigating the transition from middlescence into repurposement (our term for retirement) is a profound journey. It’s a phase of life filled with both challenges and opportunities. This isn’t just about stepping back from professional roles; it’s about stepping into a new season of leadership—leading yourself and impacting your family, friends, and community in powerful ways. To do this effectively, you need to shape your life with intention, focusing on six key areas: Tendencies, Patterns, Actions, Consequences, Reality, and Intentional Patterns (New Pathways).

The Hidden Struggles of Middlescence

Many in this phase face a whirlwind of emotions and questions:

• Identity Crisis: Who am I without my career?
• Purpose: What’s next for me? How do I find meaning outside of my professional life?
• Relationships: How do I strengthen my bonds with family and friends now that I have more time but different dynamics?

These struggles are real and can sometimes lead to a period of hiding, where you might feel unsure of your value and place in the world. But it’s precisely at this crossroads that the greatest transformations can occur.

Shaping Your Life with Intention: The Six Keys

1. TENDENCIES

Tendencies are your inherent behaviors and reactions. These are often hardwired into your personality. To begin leading yourself effectively, like the villagers who finally embraced the elephant's natural tendency, it's important that you begin to embrace your tendency. This is not always an easy thing to do. This is in part because we have lived so closely in the programmed response that we can't see any other pathway but the one we've always taken. This goes for tendencies we might judge as good or bad. Those villagers, after all, tended to plant fruitful and beautiful gardens, right? Even so, seeing our tendencies can be a challenge. If this is a challenge to you, I encourage you to start by taking the GiANT 5 Voices Personality Assessment. As you read through your results, many tendencies will jump out at you, and these are a good place to start in following the framework you'll see below. So let's begin:

• Identify Your Default Reactions:
  • What are your tendencies when you are angry?
  • How do you tend to react when you don't get the recognition you believe you deserve?
  • How do you typically respond to incompetence in others?
  • What is your usual reaction when you are feeling stressed?
  • How do you tend to act when things don't go your way?
• Understand Your Triggers: Recognize what situations bring out these tendencies in you.
• Example: I tend to feel defensive when my work is challenged or critiqued.

2. PATTERNS

While we cannot change the tendencies within us anymore than the elephant, we can set a course for how to plant the garden of our lives in ways that don’t let that tendency trample our efforts to live into the vision we have for our lives. Our tendencies, when repeated over time, form patterns of behavior. These patterns can be positive or negative and have a significant impact on your life and leadership. The interesting thing about patterns is that the beholder of these patterns may be unconsciously stuck in these patterns while many around them see them quite clearly. Our blindness to what might set us off becomes the trigger for an unhealthy fight or flight response. It is only in our willingness to grow our self awareness that these programmed reactions can be exchanged for an intentional set of responses that allows us to engage in new patterns. And it is these new patterns that help us live more consciously, choosing new and generative ways to approach our life.

To begin breaking through these patterns, it's important to revisit the default tendencies and to impose a clarifying question that takes us deeper into the tendency:

• Observe Your Reactions:
  • When do you find your tendency to get [insert emotion] is most triggered?
  • In what situations do you feel like others fail to recognize your contribution?
  • When do you find incompetence in others the most difficult to navigate?
  • When does stress tend to cause you to be more reactive to life?
  • When do you find yourself frustrated about things not going your way?
• Recognize Repeated Behaviors: Identify the behaviors that consistently show up, especially under pressure.
• Example: I do [insert action] when I am unsure about or mistrust my critic's motive and intentions. If I know someone is for me and the highest good, I am quite comfortable with critique.

3. ACTIONS

Actions are the choices you make based on your patterns. However, like our patterns, our actions are often programmed reactions (actions we take repeatedly) or self-protective strategies that keep us from knowing ourselves well enough to change our trajectory. Self-aware individuals, on the other hand, choose actions that align with their desired outcomes rather than simply reacting out of habit. As this awareness matures, these desired outcomes are aligned with the highest good of everyone involved. Maturity comes when self-awareness is practiced without blaming or shaming others or oneself for these old patterns and programmed actions. Instead, self-awareness becomes the trigger of a new and intentionally created alternative action, but for now, our goal is simply to be aware of our current state or reaction bias:

• Make Conscious Choices:
  • What actions do you default to when you experience a triggering emotion?
  • What unconscious reactions are you beginning to be aware of?
  • How do your (re)actions to incompetence impact your influence in the lives of those you love and lead? Does it create trust or mistrust in your relationship?
  • Does stress tend to make you more reactive, or do you see it as an opportunity to find creative solutions?
  • Do your actions come across as entitled or ego-driven?
• Break Negative Patterns: When you notice a pattern leading to undesired outcomes, it is up to you to choose an intentional and different set of actions.
• Example: I become defensive, more aggressive, and may even grow louder as I seek to feel understood.

4. CONSEQUENCES

Every action, whether accidental or intentional, has consequences that shape your reality as beneficial or not. Often this can lead to some very costly consequences such as broken relationships, lost jobs, opportunities, and a loss of integrity. The ramifications of an accidental approach to life mean that we are allowing the uncontrollable to have its way with the reality of our life. As you approach these consequences, take some time to understand the link between your actions and their outcomes:

• Reflect on Outcomes:
  • Consider the consequences of your default patterns and (re)actions, are they leading to the results you want?
  • What unintended consequences do you believe are the result of someone else or something else that is happening to you? Do you feel like these are out of your control? Why or why not?
  • What are the consequences that occur when you lose influence and trust in the lives of those you love and lead? - How do your (re)actions to stress keep you from the reality you desire?
• Learn from Experience: Use past outcomes to inform your future reality by taking intentional actions in the present moment, adjusting as necessary to achieve better results.
• Example: I lose influence and create confusion because of the aggressive position it seems I'm taking about things that are really misunderstandings that I am not taking ownership of.

5. REALITY

How do you feel about your current reality? Do you feel burned out, ashamed, tired, hurt, lonely, or out of touch with your true identity? The way you define your reality is the result of the responsibility and ownership one takes of the accumulated actions and their consequences they are experiencing in life. True peace and healthy leadership come when we can recognize our responsibility for the consequences of our actions that have shaped our reality. Self-awareness does not take a passive stance on one's present reality; rather, it focuses on creating intentional and new pathways to choose from when faced with the tendencies we cannot really change in our life. This means, if you’re not satisfied with your current reality, it’s important to trace it back to the actions and patterns that created it, take ownership of them, and control the controllables that can shape the reality you desire. This does not mean your creation will go exactly as planned, but it does mean that you are establishing an intentional way of life with influence and trust at the core of our purpose:

• Assess Your Current Situation:
  • Look at the different aspects of your life—relationships, health, purpose. Are you where you want to be?
  • What about your current reality seems out of your control?
  • What if you can shape the reality you prefer? Would you be willing to make the changes needed for this to occur?
• Identify Areas for Change: Determine which areas of your reality need adjustment and what patterns need to change.
• Example: It can create mistrust and come off as though I am only for myself. This has led to the loss of some close partnerships and friendships in my life that I have had to work real hard to restore.

6. INTENTIONAL PATTERNS (NEW PATHWAYS)

This is where the work begins. Creating intentional patterns involves deliberately establishing new behaviors that lead to positive outcomes. But the importance of setting intentional patterns is a bit like setting a course using Google Maps. First, it starts with being very clear about where we are on our self-awareness journey. Second, it is most effective if we have a clear and vivid understanding of where we want our reality to be. Like Google Maps, you can type in the desired city you are supposed to be in, and that will get you down the road to be sure. But if you plug in the exact address of your destination, you will be given the step-by-step instructions that put you on the doorstep to the greatest reality possible. Of course, along the way, there will be roadblocks, potholes, pit stops, and many things along the way that cannot be planned for, but with a clear focus and strong intention, the vivid vision of your desired reality is a destination well within your reach. This is what it means to form new pathways that align with your desired reality:

• Set New Habits:
  • What are the old patterns and actions that you find hardest to let go of?
  • What does your preferred reality look like?
  • When looking at those old patterns and actions, are there new patterns and actions where you can take the control back?
  • When you consider these new and intentional patterns, how crystal clear can you make your desired reality? How many ways can you describe this new reality? If you were to paint it in a picture, can you write a new script that might allow you to choose a new fork in the road of your own making?
• Commit to Continuous Improvement: Regularly review and adjust your patterns to ensure they are leading you in the right direction.
• Example: I can choose to embrace constructive criticism. I can own the tendency I have with accepting constructive criticism and collaborate with them on ways we can improve on how we critique. I can practice active listening, seek greater clarification, and honestly share moments where I am struggling to hear criticisms because of these old patterns.

MY TENDENCY LOG

The My Tendencies Log is an opportunity for the brave to master the art of knowing yourself so you can lead yourself. It requires a real commitment to vulnerability with oneself and, in time, others in your circle of influence. It requires bravery because it takes a willingness to lead the way, to rise above the “tit-for-tat” mindset, to no longer expect others to change their ways so we can be alright. It is a list that uncovers both the beneficial and the destructive tendencies of our life without shame or pride rather with an awareness of where we have been living accidentally. The goal is not to act on this list rather it is to discover alternative pathways for transformation and to set new intentions along the familiar pathways of our strengths and weaknesses. Studies show that self-awareness is the key to discovering old patterns as well as setting new neuropathways based on those intentions. So, as we practice sitting compassionately with the truth of our imperfections, we have an opportunity to set new intentions for our lives. These intentions are guideposts we can place on the familiar path of our tendencies pointing us in a new direction, a new pathway, that aligns with the vision and values we have for our life.

To get your COMPLIMENTARY copy of the
My Tendency Log and begin your practice of knowing yourself to lead yourself,
text the code “HABITS” to (888) 599-4491 today!

From Hiding to Shining

Pete Holmes, a comedian, actor, author, and host of the podcast "You Made It Weird," writes:

“Beliefs are just thoughts you keep having. And if they're not serving you, you can choose to let them go. Our minds are like chatty little children, always running around with stories, fears, and fantasies. But we don’t have to listen to them. We can observe them, thank them for their input, and gently guide ourselves back to the present moment. It’s in the present moment that we find our true selves—free from the constraints of fear-based beliefs, open to the vast possibilities of life.”

The temptation to hide in the comfort of our beliefs and what is familiar is strong. After all, we often find our beliefs are propped up by how they affect our need for our foundational needs (food, water, shelter, etc.), our safety needs (health, security, well-being, resources, etc.), and belonging needs (social, relational, and shared beliefs/values). But when our beliefs are too rigid, they can begin to restrict growth and progress, leading to stagnation, loss of meaning, or abdication to the status quo.

Today is a time to shine. On your journey through middlescence into repurposement, you are not simply ending a career; rather, you are transitioning into a powerful beginning. It’s an opportunity to redefine success, find repurpose and recommit, and love and lead others in your life from a place of vocation and calling.

A Call to Action

Today, you have an opportunity to no longer live a life blending in with those who choose to live a victimized existence. Today, you are equipped with the tools to support yourself in this new season of life, and it's time to step boldly into this challenge with the confidence that your best life and your best self are the ones that allow the past to inform the future reality that you are acting on in this moment. Master your life, know yourself so you may lead yourself. Let your inspiration be the model of a life well-lived, full of intention and vision. Your legacy is not something you simply leave behind but a way of life you live into today.

Embrace this journey and watch how the transformation of your life influences the lives of those all around you. When you shine your light in a world walking in the darkness of not knowing themselves, you shine your light on a new pathway where others can be transformed as well. The world needs your light—let it shine brightly for all to see.

Learn more about ways you can navigate life's many transitions with our Howard Bailey Coaching Community offerings. Schedule a Life Repurposed Call with Les McDaniel, Howard Bailey's Chief Purpose Officer.

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